Tuesday, April 26, 2011

20th April - One Year

Every year I'll be in the extremely down mood in April. For me, April is not a good month! Sometimes I just struggling whether to let my friends know or not to do so. There are two incidents happened that makes me got melancholia. This is the 2nd. I knew that I can't control my emotions sometimes, or rather, all the time. (Whatever u think it is.) I hate people discuss about the topic of abortion when you don't really know it. Sorry. I just can't understand why did someone want to talk about it when they don't really knew about the situation. I hate people who critics about me. Do you really understand what kind of situation is a mom facing when deciding whether to save the baby or let it go??


At 18-4-2010, it is the most happy day in my life. I have my baby. I went to hospital for medical check-up and yet, they told me that I'm pregnant. 2 months. But, again, the good news doesn't last longer. Because I doesn't prepare for the pregnancy, I doesn't know that I'll pregnant, I had made a largest mistakes in my life.


Before I'm pregnant, I had continuously eating this medicine --  isotretinoin. From the link here you will know more about the SERIOUS SIDE EFFECTS of this medicine. It causes miscarriage, premature birth and death of the foetus! What the hell? They don't even told me the side effects are so serious. They only told me that the side effects are dry skin and lips, fragile skin. ONLY THIS TWO EFFECTS! Should I blame them? Or blame myself? Or both of us?


And because of this medicine, I've suffer severe stomach pain when I'm pregnant. I can't sleep well during the whole period of my pregnancy. I even having period when I'm pregnant! The doctor tell me that the baby wouldn't be as healthy as other babies when she/he born. And this may cause mental problems of the baby. I want the baby. I really think that want to work and born the baby. But, this fucking isotretinoin had killed my baby. I was struggling all the time when I knew all this.


20-4-2010, it's a day that I'll never ever forget about it. I had abortion in a hospital. (For those who want to critics me, go ahead. I don't mind!) Waking up early in the morning, feeling extremely down, head faint, vomiting,etc. When I was waiting in the room, I really wanna run out of this. I feel guilty. Another woman just told me to be calm and wait. She said: Girl, no matter how you situation is, since you've made your decision, you have to do it. Everything will be fine after this. (But I'm here to say that I'm not fine, even it's already happened a year ago.) Then, I went to the surgery room, and I saw the machine. There is a tanker inside the machine to keep all those blood. It was scary! And the doctor help me to inject some kind of narcotic/drugs.


When I wake up I only felt serious pain on my belly. And yet I know I had lost my baby. I just cry at bed. Cry and cry and cry. For the following weeks and months I'm suffering from the effects of abortion. Easily fainted, pale, feeling uncomfortable without any reasons, sadness, stress, grief, guilty, etc etc. 


Most of my friends advice me not to tell others about this as some of the people are close-minded and will critics me badly. After a long time of consideration, I decided to admit bravely if someone ask me whether I pregnant before or abort before. I feel that it is unfair to my baby if I deny his/her existence. It's my fault, not her/his fault. I won't forget about the day. I won't forget about you, how you make me feel when you was inside my body. Forever and ever. 

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