20th April - One Year

Every year I'll be in the extremely down mood in April. For me, April is not a good month! Sometimes I just struggling whether to let my friends know or not to do so. There are two incidents happened that makes me got melancholia. This is the 2nd. I knew that I can't control my emotions sometimes, or rather, all the time. (Whatever u think it is.) I hate people discuss about the topic of abortion when you don't really know it. Sorry. I just can't understand why did someone want to talk about it when they don't really knew about the situation. I hate people who critics about me. Do you really understand what kind of situation is a mom facing when deciding whether to save the baby or let it go??

At 18-4-2010, it is the most happy day in my life. I have my baby. I went to hospital for medical check-up and yet, they told me that I'm pregnant. 2 months. But, again, the good news doesn't last longer. Because I doesn't prepare for the pregnancy, I doesn't know that I'll pregnant, I had made a largest mistakes in my life.


Before I'm pregnant, I had continuously eating this medicine --  isotretinoin. From the link here you will know more about the SERIOUS SIDE EFFECTS of this medicine. It causes miscarriage, premature birth and death of the foetus! What the hell? They don't even told me the side effects are so serious. They only told me that the side effects are dry skin and lips, fragile skin. ONLY THIS TWO EFFECTS! Should I blame them? Or blame myself? Or both of us?


And because of this medicine, I've suffer severe stomach pain when I'm pregnant. I can't sleep well during the whole period of my pregnancy. I even having period when I'm pregnant! The doctor tell me that the baby wouldn't be as healthy as other babies when she/he born. And this may cause mental problems of the baby. I want the baby. I really think that want to work and born the baby. But, this fucking isotretinoin had killed my baby. I was struggling all the time when I knew all this.


20-4-2010, it's a day that I'll never ever forget about it. I had abortion in a hospital. (For those who want to critics me, go ahead. I don't mind!) Waking up early in the morning, feeling extremely down, head faint, vomiting,etc. When I was waiting in the room, I really wanna run out of this. I feel guilty. Another woman just told me to be calm and wait. She said: Girl, no matter how you situation is, since you've made your decision, you have to do it. Everything will be fine after this. (But I'm here to say that I'm not fine, even it's already happened a year ago.) Then, I went to the surgery room, and I saw the machine. There is a tanker inside the machine to keep all those blood. It was scary! And the doctor help me to inject some kind of narcotic/drugs.


When I wake up I only felt serious pain on my belly. And yet I know I had lost my baby. I just cry at bed. Cry and cry and cry. For the following weeks and months I'm suffering from the effects of abortion. Easily fainted, pale, feeling uncomfortable without any reasons, sadness, stress, grief, guilty, etc etc. 


Most of my friends advice me not to tell others about this as some of the people are close-minded and will critics me badly. After a long time of consideration, I decided to admit bravely if someone ask me whether I pregnant before or abort before. I feel that it is unfair to my baby if I deny his/her existence. It's my fault, not her/his fault. I won't forget about the day. I won't forget about you, how you make me feel when you was inside my body. Forever and ever. 

I want buddies!

Deep inside my heart. I hope I can have buddies to share with. Laugh together, play together, study together, sad together, get crazy together. However, it is IMPOSSIBLE for me. I can't tell anybody about my love problems, family problems, financial problems. I'm super duper suffer-ing!

In class, it seem like no one can be alone and someone will give you a helping hand when you need them. I agree with what Cherrie said. You need to join a 'gang' . If not they will just leave you and ignored about you. Why did such a norm appeared? Sometimes, I really feel like want to be alone, not because I don't want to join you guys, just that you let me alone for a while, then I'll be much more better. I'm same with other people, I also hope to have buddies, best friends. But, I don't know why I can't. Is't my problem? Or my appearance let you guys feel that I'm strong enough, doesn't need any care? 

Actually I want to have a buddy like Cherrie, can go shopping, studying, play, chit-chat..... But, i know, again, is a norm, if I too close with Cherrie, I think someone will hate me. Since Elie leave Tarc, I've becoming emo and emo and emo. :(

I really don't know what to do already. Confused, stressed......

Letter that would never be sent...

I've sick for a few days. And in this few days I start to realise something. I think is my fault, is because of my attitude, my temper, that make things worse. I know that u love me and care me, but sometimes I really can't feel your care. What do you think a patient need? care? or medicine? or your pocket? Within these, you had choose to care about me. But your caring isn't the type that I want. All I want when I was sick is just that u stay beside me, prepare food and medicine. For you, you always call me to eat Panadol only. You wouldn't take it seriously. Even I'm fever, you also will tell me that it just a small case, no need to visit doctor. I really upset. I really feel like want to leave you forever and ever in yesterday's morning when you are sleeping. I'm very disappointed, hurt and sad. When you are sleeping, do u know I almost fainted because of fever. Even the doctor say I fever till 39 degree Celcius you also seem like no feeling, it's normal temperature.


And, I don't know whether you realise or not, the way that we communicate gradually change. Ya, maybe you are right, I should not always 'lao gai' , but why don't you try to think about the reason that make me 'lao gai'? I am a bad temper person. I told you at first. Do you remember what you answer me? You said: Never mind. U don't care.U won't leave me. But now, ...? I know, I can't blame it on you. Is my fault.


As time passes, our relationship are getting worse and worse. I know you fell bored to care me and make me laugh when I angry already. However, it seen like a norm already. Even sometimes I'm not 'lao gai' , not angry, you also say that I'm like that. Last time you will 'tam' me. Now you will 'scold' me. Isn't our relationship just can stand 5 months only? I don't know. I really don't know. Now, you wouldn't tell me where had you went today or yesterday. You seem like don't want to tell me, or you think no need to tell me? 


I'm waiting for the day. I know I will be very sad. I don't know whether my Melancholia will out burst again or not? But I know, I'm preparing myself for the day.